Call me Diana Ross, 'cuz I'm coming out.

Open.  That is the word of choice for this blog entry's theme.  I only operate well with open boundaries.  When fenced in, I feel dysfunctional.  It has taken me a long time to realize and begin to actualize things, but I'm making huge strides and turning my life into the best one I'm capable of living.  Bringing openness into different areas of my perception is the reason for my successful progress.

I was raised in a religious environment with the best of intentions by my loving family.  However, I did not feel comfortable isolating myself from certain people, politics, other faiths, or lifestyles, simply because they didn't mirror the ideals of my own faith.  To me it seemed like such a waste or missed opportunity to encounter, know, befriend, accept, and even love SO many potentially amazing people; to disqualify them because something about them was not the same as me.  To me it seemed about as preposterous as choosing to only have friends with blue eyes like my own.

Slowly, I've struggled through my adult life feeling very different for wanting to openly love and accept EVERYONE, regardless of race/religion/sexuality/politics/etc.  When I would embrace the sentiments of Dr. King, John Lennon, Bob Marley, and the like, I would be haughtily dismissed as an idealist or a clueless flower-child hippie.  But just because people didn't take my point of view seriously, it didn't become less valid and crucial to me.  I spent a long time feeling ashamed of and making apologies for it.  I was a naturally liberal-minded, left winged person in a southern, christian, conservative, right winged atmosphere.  I'll be 36 years old next month and it has taken me this long to come to terms with the fact that- standing up for my beliefs, despite being completely outnumbered by almost everyone I knew, doesn't make me a black sheep.  "Standing up against adversity and oppression takes courage. One must be willing to risk their very security and comfort to do so."  That's what they say.  But it's not actually such a sacrifice for everyone.  For some it's easier than others.  Guarding and hiding my beliefs, and allowing everyone to make me feel ashamed of what I believe to be right and wrong, makes me uncomfortable in my own skin.  So If I didn't make this post, and continued to hide, I would still feel stuck.  You can't sacrifice security and  comfort if you don't have it.  Basically, becoming open about things is the only way to organically attain that comfort and security within my sense of self.  To earn it.  Open. Open. Open.

So I'm spending my 30's becoming open every way I can.  Open mind.  Open heart.  Open to acceptance of change.  And now......

Open closet doors.

That's right, I'm coming out.   Now, those who know me past first glance, know that I am a genetic female, have been married twice, both times to men, and I share 3 biological children with one of them, and that I'm now dating another man.  I guess it would be safe to assume that I am your run-of-the-mill heterosexual female.  Well, I'm not.

Over the years I have watched so many of my friends and loved ones suffer the slings and arrows of societal rejection as they struggled with gender identity and/or sexual orientation.

Now, I must take a moment to sidetrack slightly, and clarify something very important.  I want to point out the difference between those two things.  Obviously, all my LGBT friends and followers, as well as much of modern society already know the difference, but there are people in my  life who I know for a fact do not.  I'm choosing to use my blog as a means       to spread awareness, because even if only one person learns from it, my activism will have made a difference.  So for those of you who weren't aware:

Gender Identity has nothing
 to do with sexual orientation.

Transgender people, for example, aren't automatically gay.  In the LGBT quest for basic civil rights and equality, the masses we wish to reach are critically  uninformed of this fact. Ignorance comes from a simple lack of knowledge.  It feels very important to me to do my part to help educate.  So listen up.

It used to be just "gay" and "straight".  We eventually evolved to a point that pretty much all of society now knows and understands "gay", "straight" and "bisexual".  Open-minded though I may be, I admit today's LGBT terminology can be confusing and the variety overwhelming.  The current socially acceptable vernacular include:

• Straight
• gay
• lesbian
• bisexual
• transgender
• transsexual
• gender-fluid
• genderqueer
• queer
• pansexual
• questioning
• asexual
• ally
• homosexual
• heterosexual
• intersex
• cisgender

 Don't panic, you needn't learn and memorize all of that to be an accepting citizen.  The terminology is merely a label and to many LGBT it doesn't even matter.  But conversely,  to some, it means everything for them to be able to identify with a group of others who are the same.  Everyone deserves to seek out a sense of "normalcy".  Identifying with a part of a group is an integral part of their journey, so terminology isn't the issue I'm actually worried about  addressing.  What I'd like you to take away from this is:

Basically, there are two distinctive SEPARATE parts of a person's social identity and I'm going to explain them now.  I believe that a huge part of society's problems comes from people unknowingly lumping them together.  So please know, with every single person you ever meet, they have both a sexual orientation and a gender identity.

Now because both of them are supported and defended by gay pride, I can  see how it gets confusing.  But even though a person can be both transgender AND gay, they are mutually exclusive terms as far as their definitions.  No sentient human alive is exempt from having a gender identity and a sexual  orientation.  It comes with the package, like a belly button.

 Gender Identity- is the masculine/feminine/neutral balance of your mind/spirit.  You are not a body.  You have a body.  You are a spirit or energy or entity or soul our whatever you prefer to call it.  Gender Identity refers to where on this scale your inner self identifies.  It could not have less to do with genitalia.

                        

Regardless of what or to whom you are sexually attracted, you are somewhere on that scale, along with everyone else.  Male, Female, both, or neither.  The type of genitalia with which a person is born has nothing to do  with hetero/homo- sexuality. One doesn't need prescribed gonads to besexually  attracted any kind of way in one's mind.  One's genitalia is nothing       more than the equipment with which one has sex and/or makes love.  Yes, biologically, a man and woman can easily use them to naturally procreate, but we are a highly emotionally and mentally evolved species.  We are also capable of needing and utilizing sex for more than simply reproduction. Most notably, and perhaps equally as vital to the human race as is reproduction, is the ability to share love.  Physically making love matters even when reproduction isn't a possible factor.  All humans love, and all  humans deserve the same rights to express it in whatever capacity comes naturally to them.  Period.

 Regardless of one's given position on the gender identity role, there are basically only 2 terms that everyone should know to stop the confusion.

  Transgender and Cisgender.

Trans- from the Latin trāns- literally translates to "on the other side of".  So, tyransgender automatically means that person does not identify as their birth gender, but as something other than that.  Never  assume a trans person is one or the other, and never assume they are the opposite of what they appear to you.  If a person trusts you enough to let you know their very personal secret, that they are trans, don't be insensitive and rude by saying "Oh, so you're really a man/woman", or "Oh wow, so then do you have a  penis or a vagina?"  In what universe is it acceptable or appropriate to ask someone about their junk in any typical social situation!? Just because  you are made aware of a trans person's secret, it is NOT okay for you to push  them into discussion  about it, no matter how curious you are.   And don't say that you ask so you can learn and be more accepting.  I accept people on a daily basis without knowing a single thing about what's in their pants and whether it was biologically or surgically created.  Curiosity is normal and fine, but have some damn manners for crying out loud.  

The opposite of trans is Cis (pronounced Sizz when abbreviated on its own, and Sis when paired with the whole word: Cisgender.)  This latin prefix literally translates to "on the near side of".  Basically, a cisgender person coincidentally happens to self-identify as the gender of which they were born.  Cisgender are the majority of today's society, and do not get any grief for being inherently masculine or feminine because that's "normal" and  what's expected or what's "supposed to happen".  But I ask, if transgender  wasn't 'meant to be', how come it IS?  Things only occur in nature if it's what fate had in store.  Why cant we crossbreed a parakeet and an eagle? Because it's not meant to be.  Why are there so many trans people existing despite some people's beliefs that they shouldn't?  Trans people are simply different from Cis people.  Different, not Less.  

Our world is currently stuck in a binary view of gender, accepting only female and male.  But we all have a balance of both in us.  Some are more of one or the other, but scientifically, that kind of slide scale has infinite balances of the two "main" genders.  Onec can be neither, or equally both. Any arrangement of them is beautiful.  Example- I find this model, Conchita Wurst to be so stunning, in masculinity AND femininity.  First of all, I'm a total sucker for beards- (non- duck dynasty ones, because EW.), and omg those EYES and hair and figure... sheesh.  It may seem awkward to appreciate the beauty of the duality of the sexes in one person, but if you open your mind to how beautiful biology is in general, and consider it doesn't have to be black and white, one or the other, you'll feel much more comfortable with the pace of society's evolution.

So, that's what it means when someone refers to their gender identity.  It has nothing to do with one's sexual preferences.

Sexual Orientation- (gay/straight/bi/etc) likewise, has nothing to do with gender identity. A gay man, for example, shouldn't automatically be assumed to have a "girly" mindset. NEVER assume you know a person's gender identity based on the people to whom they are attracted.

Just to reiterate- To be on the respectful side, never assume someone is/isn't gay, or is/isn't female/male/both/neutral.  Again, the only way to behave is to make your best guess for choice of pronouns based on the energy they exude, and trust them to correct you if wrong.  You do not need to know their birth gender or sexual orientation.  It is only appropriate to discuss those things if that person volunteers the information.  If you mistake one's gender identity, and they correct you, calmly and simply say, "Oh, excuse me: SIR." (or whatever is applicable)  Don't  make a big deal or huge apology, drawing attention to the person. Take it as a lesson learned, and move on. No big deal. Be respectful.

That being said, as this is my blog and PSA, I'm choosing to disclose my orientation on those two scales.  I am a cisgender pansexual female.  Which basically means, I identify as my biological gender, and I'm not gay, but I'm not straight.  I'm both.  The term bisexual is too restrictive- indicating I could only be attracted to/compatible with men and/or women.  The prefix Pan- is latin, meaning "all".  I am attracted to men, women, neutral genders, and/or any variation thereof.  Simply put- I am attracted to human adults.

So, technically, I've never had to face the burden of coming out to the world and admitting openly what should be nobody's business but my own.  I've seen friends disowned by their family or church, discriminated against in businesses, verbally assaulted by random strangers, turned away from retail establishments, and even SPAT upon by a stranger.  They did nothing wrong. All they did was be born with the mind and body with which they were.  The problem with LGBT-phobia in society has very little to do with LGBT people trying to upset the order of things or being unnatural.  Unnatural...as in against  nature. Our bodies and sexualities and minds are a part of nature.   Naturally occurring.  Perhaps the problem is that closed-minded people are attempting to resist a scientifically proven naturally occurring part of our nature?  I'll leave that to Ockham's razor, but in the meantime...----------------->

So back to my coming out message.  Although LGBT does apply to me, I've always felt things were unfairly in my favor.  The ones who were teased and abused and rejected their whole lives for being different-the millions of people who have taken their own lives over it-who lived such lonely existences, unable to love even themselves- through zero fault of their own....  I've often felt badly that technically I was like them, but because I was Cis and because I've spent my entire adult life married to men and having babies, everyone assumed me to be straight.  I didn't have to correct them.  I discovered I was pansexual at 22 (but called it bisexual bc pan wasnt a known term at the time).  It's only by a technicality that I happened to fall in love with and marry 2 men.  I've never felt the need to come out, because it didn't seem to matter.  Perhaps it was just that karma was sparing me that pain because I already have to face similar societal rejection for mental illness.  Regardless, it's bothering me now.  I take my body for granted.  I'm a female in a female body.  How fortunate I was to to have that fate.  I love my trans friends unconditionally, but I can't even begin to imagine how painful it is to have been born in the "wrong" body.  I complain about my body  like most women, but when I think of those who face gender identity issues, I am humbled, and I shut my mouth.  Incidentally, being aware and grateful of my fortune in that department translates into a natural confidence I didn't have before.  I feel better about myself when I think of it.  I am lucky to have had the fortune of a comfortable cis life.   

But it feels wrong to me to hide behind automatic societal assumptions that I'm straight and simply an ally to LGBT people, instead of a part of that same family.  So now, I am choosing not to hide my sexuality 'just because I can'.  Not all of us have that luxury.  It's an unfair advantage that makes me feel guilty to take.  It feels like a lie.  Should I end up losing friends and family over this, it would be a shame, but no more or less significant than the pain of those who lost them due to  being more "obviously" otherwise-gendered/oriented.  I don't feel right being my kind of "gay" but being exempt from the same social consequences they face just because  my gender and sexuality issues are passable for the 'norm'.  Don't get me wrong, I am not martyring myself like I've made some sort of great sacrifice; I'm doing this for ME, because by keeping it secret, I feel like a hypocrite, and that just ain't gonna fly with me.

In closing, I just want everyone who knows me to know that I love and accept all people, appreciate all of our rights, and I tolerate everything but intolerance. Live and let love.