Story: Okay, so....a cpl months back I was having one of the worst days of my adult life (in my psyche, emotionally, etc. Life was par for course). I felt so useless, burdensome, ashamed of being the brand of weird that i am, etc. I still loved myself, and was proud, but I have an intense personality that's an acquired taste, to say the least. Often my words or actions will be SO bizarre and nonsensical to people who AREN'T me, that my good/kind/loving intentions will actually be perceived as the precise OPPOSITE of the energy I'd attempted to convey, and ppl think I'm being a snarky insensitive narcissistic A-hole. This hurts a lot. So, couple wks ago, i was drowning in the likes of it. It just hurt to be alive- to be forced to be me.
Aside: 4 leaf clovers are my 'thing'. I have a weird gift for spotting them and they always seem to appear in situations that are emotionally significant. I'd found over 270 in my life when I quit counting, and even one 7 leafer. I dont believe in luck, but when i spot a 4 leaf cover it makes me feel like the universe is reminding me 'it'll be ok'.
So back to a cpl days ago. Feeling wretched. On the verge of a panic attack. So i went for a run, which is out of character for me. Weather was abysmal. Biting cold, soggy slimy fallen leaves EVERYWHERE, overcast. I came upon a patch of clovers that hadnt yet died off in the season change. I decided to to take the advice of the great Tennessee Williams, who said, "luck is believing you're lucky." I sat in the muck and wet grass and decided i wouldn't stop searching until i found one 4 leafer, as though to prove to myself that i can MAKE my own good luck happen. 45 mins later my fingers were numb and i found zilch. So i said, it wasn't meant to be. I felt more calm, and began to jog home, relieved I'd shed my stress. Then i slipped in a very thick particularly slimy pile of leaves, and face planted- not 20 feet from my own door. I lay there for a moment, thinking cynically, 'well, THIS may as well happen today, why not? I didn't immediately get up. I took the moment to look for irony or comedy or some sort of metaphor ot footnote to keep me in a progressive manner if thought. Just as I moved my arms to push myself up, there it was. I saw it. Amid this muddy, soggy, frigid sludge of barren icky courtyard, one clover had managed to survive the nasty weather, and stood tall and proudly like a beacon of reassurance, not 4 inches from my face. It had 4 leaves. Then I began to realize the brilliance of the colors of the fall leaves that surrounded it. I actually audibly laughed, and felt like I'd just gotten a hug from Ellen Degeneres or something. I didn't pick it. But i managed to snap these three pitiful photos, which do it zero justice.
My hope is one of my talented friends can give it some oomph, so that i can frame it and remember the lesson i learned that day. Perspective. Is. EVERYTHING.
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